


akaashi keiji's brain broke

by fibonacho (lattice12357)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Depression, Gen, Nonbinary Akaashi Keiji, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, probably no happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:34:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29638860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lattice12357/pseuds/fibonacho
Summary: bit of a vent fic, not well written
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	akaashi keiji's brain broke

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re reading this because you relate, seek help! If you’re reading this bc you liked my other stuff, prepare to be disappointed. It’s a bit like the author’s diary, except they’re allowed to make shit up. And it will be way less edited/well written than my real fics. Somehow typing about fictional characters > writing by hand about self :P Please do not worry about the author; they have lots of supportive people around them.
> 
> (cw for very brief (less than one sentence) mild non-con but wanted to tell you)

There were different types of happiness, Keiji thought. 

The most pure, undiluted kind that took up your whole heart that you can only feel when you’re little. 

Then you learn about horrible stuff in the world, and a little piece of that knowledge moves into your heart, and then you can never be purely happy again. ‘Cause it knows in the back of itself that someone somewhere is getting violated and murdered. 

So the happiness is a little more reserved. And then you grow a little and learn that the people around you are always watching you--even your loved ones, even strangers. You begin to bring your newfound self-consciousness with you, as surely as you bring your cute lunchbox to school. There’s a little less room in your heart when happiness does happen. Swells up to fill the space it’s allowed in with brightness.

The same thing happens again when you learn that there are specific expectations for you that include excellence. 

And when you learn the whole world is heading towards annihilation. 

And when you realize you’re gay while having sex with your girlfriend. But you can’t tell her that, can you? So you keep this bizarre ritual going for months, years. Everyone says you’re cute, a good boyfriend; your heart shrinks. 

Never mind the quiet, persistent voice in you that wonders _what it would be like to not be a man?_

College is when most of any available space is taken up by something nameless. 

So when the therapist asks if you’re happy, you don’t know what to tell her.

_ The light hasn’t completely gone away yet. Sometimes it grows to fill whatever’s left of my heart. Does that count? Please say no. _

_ Please say yes. _

*

You stumble across the four-year-college finish line and burnout takes on an entirely new meaning. Unemployment is a lifestyle. You try to cure your depression, but you could probably be trying harder, because everything still feels the same. And happiness? Nah. 

It takes a good day to not feel like you’re lying when someone asks how you are and you say “well,” Keiji concluded internally. He stared at his shirtless self in the foggy bathroom mirror and thought about how it was sort of hard to explain this stuff to the apathetic young adults in his group therapy. 

He thought about how he thought too much. And unfortunately, was convinced of his own intelligence. So he felt the need to go chasing after thoughts and pin them down, so he could remember them. Maybe this one would be important, the one to crack this whole thing open, solve it--

Give him a reason to continue through this unending gray, this desire to sleep forever, forever. A reason to keep living, when he couldn’t do anything.

*

Daily list of three things I like (therapist mandated)

-Clementines

-Doing puzzles (jigsaw and logic)

-Talking to Kenma

**Author's Note:**

> is anyone actually happy I thought it was a joke


End file.
